Another November

Guy fawkes and fireworks
Fill the night with an ethereal luminescence    
Beneath it all we struggle with
Raised hands for a mystical identity
Bound in chains by all the darkness:
The brown of the earth refusing to be deterred by all that tar and fake grass

The ink blue of a sky giving in
To the pull of winter
And above all the darkness that swirls in our insides;
It sits silent behind hot eyes as we witness wickedness done a thousand times over.

Yet from the vigorous fires above
A familiar warmth falls from the sky
First new as red, then holy as emerald
By the third it glowers, a cold blue
Though it scalds worse than the formers

And within us there lies no humanity
To bond with this fire.
Leave! Leave! we call out
No soul lives here because
It is November again
A chilly prison in the wake of Autumn
Where nobody claps anymore.

The Fear

I think I'm falling,
It hurts
It's hazy and stuffy too
Like the infamous old hag
Sitting on my chest
Titch! Itch!
And gravity is not friendly.

In a nutshell

The Lake

I would love to see a frozen lake

Any body of water, congealed

Just so I could break the surface

And fall through

Meet the deathly warmth

That will greet me;

The hypothermic oblivion

Into which I am ushered,

Not needing again.

Sheer novelty shed for peace

Which the water gives

Oxygen: a half of the formula

That which kills you

Gives you life altogether

It is solid and interesting

At the top to disguise

Its inadequacy beneath

Likewise a boy

Interesting specimen to observe

And behold on the outside

Thus disguising the empty

Shallowness within

Like oxygen again

Without which we could not

Make life.

Soon...

Nothing more excruciating than waiting for the end.

Bitter sweet thoughts of emancipation from deadlines and lecture schedules and the almost crippling fear of what next.
Even if you have been sure of what to do from day 1, its still not easy; navigating your career (or lack thereof) is almost as daunting as it is tricky.

This is not helped by the constant onslaught of emails and updates by jobsites who can somehow sniff your confusion like sharks smell blood and come for you. They appear to offer a helping hand but in reality they don't

Now you're already proper scared because all I've said so far is true right?
Did you forget about how some if not all housing contracts expire in June and then you're either too proud to move back home or too poor and undecided to move elsewhere. Suddenly (for some like me) you're regretting severing those family ties years ago when you first moved to Uni and felt untouchable. Now you have to go back tail between legs and beg for rent free accommodation.
You have no choice, remember you're still broke with the student loans no longer coming in.

Don't even get me started on families and their expectations for you. Oh and if you think you're confused now, wait till the morning after your graduation party when the rose-tinted glasses through which you viewed the world since your childhood come off.

You're an Adult now.

TO BE FOREWARNED IS TO BE FOREARMED.

49th August

Its good to see that you're alive.

After the news of your shooting broke, I thought I'd never breathe again but here I am. That day, it started like any other day: me teasing you about your numerous girlfriends, searching your wallet for change and you chasing me around the compound. There was not an inkling of the calamity nearby to at least forewarn you or even me. It wasn't magical, it was typical, a mediocre day to say the least but it was us, it was how we did things and it suited us just fine.

I wouldn't go to the hospital after the news came, I found countless excuses not to do so but the truth was that I didn't want to see you so weak and helpless, at the mercy of Science, Medicine and goodwill. I was also having difficulties keeping it together so I knew I couldn't be strong for two. In my own twisted way I was glad they took your phones so that you couldn't reach me and hear my voice devoid of strength and discover that I couldn't give you that solace you needed.

It happened on 30th July but August turned out to be the longest month of my life; I counted 49 days in total before relief came
49 hollow days where fear was dissipated in a sinister ebb and flow
49 days where your body lay broken because the guardians of your peace violated you.
After you were shot, you were lugged from hospital to hospital, in the true Nigerian manner and it reminded me of Dimgba Igwe:
"we don't have that equipment here"
"Please provide police report to prove this your boy no be thief o"
"Sorry we don't have anymore O neg to give him"
"We need a deposit of five hundred thousand before we can touch him"
The news trickled in slowly,
My life seeped away slowly
You lay dying
Daddy ran helter skelter

After the fifth operation, I heard you could sit up and you asked about me.
I'm sorry I was such a coward
I didn't know you'd live because I prayed for it to end.
I wanted it to end
It provided some closure albeit a selfish one
I told myself I could deal with that
I know now that I couldn't have.
I see in your eyes, the worst scars of them all:
The irrational fear that they'll be back
So now I can't drop crockery in the kitchen for fear of jarring you
And I have to walk to sleep, sure footed to calm you
And though the night terrors are close by,
If they want you, they're gonna have to fight me.
It's the least I could do.

Doe of the Morning.

I should be so lucky, 
That you'd look at me
Like an emergency.

Word of mouth sells coffee

That you have lived life ahead of me
Does me not the good you think
Because the longing in your eyes
Are not from wanting to explore me

The excitement in your voice is not from re-visiting me after a while apart
You are hard pressed to even acknowledge a new outfit
Or better yet a recent trip to the salon

Always jumpy and ill at ease
Your eyes darting around
Like a reporter in a war-torn, third world country

I realize I am not the exotic woman you thought you'd end up with
A dream of your youth which the 9-5 cliché robbed you of

So don't two time with your dream
Go, follow her
She is a cruel mistress your heart
And she wants what she wants

I too am better off
Because every hug you wrap me in
Is an ode to trips untravelled.

Depression

I learned that God cures depression.
One common symptom of depression is lethargy;  the inability ot unwillingness to do things.
This could range from regular everyday activities to things that could make or break us for example coursework, dissertation, deadlines and tasks given at work.
Wr see it as tiredness and sometimes we may not even be aware that we are depressed, but God has revealed it to me

I used to be depressed,  a whole lot and it almost cost me my degree but thanks be to God, who daily loads us with good things.
To conclude, God cures depression clearly established in Nehemiah 8:10, the Joy of the Lord is your strength. So receive God's strength today and triumph over depression.
And most importantly: NEVER LOSE YOUR FAITH'
It does get better: I am a living example.

Poor god.

It's here one minute
Its gone the next
Why do you torment me so?
I have nothing to offer

That you have lived
Life ahead of me does me no good
I will gladly embrace insanity
If it means I get to 'fit out'

Waiting for the end.

Dissertation is due next Thursday.
I'm already planning a trip to Cornwall in July before my graduation
I'll go alone if i have to.
Time flies yet everything seems so far away; that illusion of time

God be with us all.